i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just found a bag of teeth...
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
