I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
