First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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