I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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