In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
