I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
