Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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