So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
