accomplished twins. life is a go
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
