The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
