Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
