one might say we're banned from that church
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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