hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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