I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
