Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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