We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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