Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
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