There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He? As in you personified your dick?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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