I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
