i think i have two assholes
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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