Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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