Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize