i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs