The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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