the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
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