Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
