Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
