She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
