I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
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Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
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This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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