awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
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