So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Why can't burritos get me drunk
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
