Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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