All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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