There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
