maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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