if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
