We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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