apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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