I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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