i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
