I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
