Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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