Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
His hands were made for my vagina.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
