remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
