I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I FOUND THE LEGS
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
