theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
