i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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