Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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