My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
