This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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