Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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