I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You're like the curious george of whores
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
