You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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