I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
