and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
