first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
