I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
