my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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