I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
