you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities