he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
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The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
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He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud