alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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