One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
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i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
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Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"