i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
