you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Randomize
